If you’ve just received a phone call to say that your child has been put into internal exclusion in school, I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to speak with them on the spot. It’s perfectly ok to say, “Can I call you back in ten minutes?” and use those ten minutes to take a deep breath and get your bearings.
I’m a parent coach and SEND advocate, but I’m also the parent of two children with complex additional needs. I know that nasty little stomach drop that comes when the school’s number appears on your phone. I’ve been there more times than I care to remember. And I know that by November, many children are running on empty. The demands in school have been stacking up since September, and the behaviour points, detentions and phone calls stack up with them.
Overwhelmed children often can’t comply in the way school expects, and that brings difficult conversations. So let me explain what schools in England mean by isolation, internal exclusion and suspension. I’ll also cover what to ask first, and how to answer when someone says your child is “just choosing not to behave/listen/comply/whatever”.
First, when school rings: three things to do before you reply
Remember that the behaviour is an external projection of an internal unmet need. Therefore the behaviour is information. Before you agree to anything, work through these three steps.
1. Ask what happened in the ten minutes before
Not just what your child did, but what was going on around them. Was there a change of room, a supply teacher, a loud corridor, a demand that came on top of three others in close succession? We know that poor behaviour rarely arrives unprovoked or out of the blue.
2. Ask where, when and who
Identify which lesson they were in. Who was teaching it? Which room were they in? Who were they sitting next to. If we look at what’s happening around the child and keep track of it, we can quickly identify patterns of triggers. These patterns make the difference between saying “my child is struggling” and being able to demonstrate that “my child struggles in these situations”.
3. Write it down today
Date, time, where, when, who. In a month you’ll have a behaviour log to put in front of your school. It shows what is causing the behaviour, and it doesn’t rely on you remembering all the details. If your memory is anything like mine, that’s a blessing! I explain exactly what to record in my guide to keeping a behaviour log.
Asking questions is not making excuses. It your way of getting enough information to enable you to find out what your child’s behaviour is telling you.
What schools mean by isolation, internal exclusion and removal from class
Unfortunately, different schools use different names for the same thing: internal exclusion, isolation, reflection, the unit, the inclusion room, removal from class. However, they can all mean the same thing: your child learns away from their classmates but stays on the school site.
The Department for Education’s Behaviour in Schools guidance describes removal from class as a serious sanction that schools should only use when necessary. As I read it, the guidance expects trained staff to supervise the space, school to tell parents promptly, and your child to carry on with meaningful work. Check the current version, because guidance changes.
Sadly, my experience with my clients is that there is often a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ policy. And that schools use isolation in a more punitive way than the Government guidance would suggest. You can check your school’s Behaviour Policy on their website. They might publish it under a different name, but it should be there. If you can’t find it, you have every right to ask them for a copy.
Questions to ask your school about isolation
- How long, and how often? Schools must set out in their behaviour policy the principles for how long they can remove a child.
- Who is supervising? The guidance says trained staff. You need to know that they can support a child who might be highly dysregulated, and help them with their work.
- What work will my child get, and can they actually do it? Education should continue, and it should be meaningful. Simply putting a child in a separate room and giving them a book to read isn’t what I’d consider meaningful work.
- What support is in place for my child’s needs, and what is changing so this stops happening? If the answer is nothing, that is useful to know. If you get some woolly, fluffy answer such as ‘we’re supporting them’, ask for the detail in writing. You need to know what they’re doing, who is doing it and how often. You also need to know how they’ll assess whether it’s working.
Ask for the answers in writing, and ask school to tell you on the same day it happens.
These are different from isolation, because your child can’t attend school. The government’s suspension and permanent exclusion guidance for England, in force from 26 July 2026, sets out the rules.
- Suspension is a fixed period away from school. Its old name was fixed-term exclusion. It can be part of a day or several days, up to 45 school days in a school year in total.
- For the first 5 school days, school should set and mark work.
- From day 6, the governing board must arrange suitable full-time education.
- Schools add back to back suspensions together.
- Permanent exclusion means school takes your child off its roll. It is the last resort, and the local authority must arrange education from day 6.
School should speak to you without delay. They should then send written notice with the reasons, the length and your right to make representations to the governing board. I’ll cover this in more detail next week.
When school says “they’re just choosing not to”
I can’t believe in this day and age we still hear this. But we do. “Choosing” is a word that closes a conversation. Which the cynic in me thinks might be why its used. However, these three questions open the conversation right back up and put you in the driving seat.
- What exactly did you ask my child to do when it happened? Name the demand they faced. Was it reasonable? Or did it roll 5 demands into one question?
- What support was in place at the time? Did they have a clear plan that they could understand? Did school adjust anything for their needs? Did they have a trusted adult to support them, or a way to take a break? If school made no provision to support them, ask why not.
- What is the plan so it does not happen again? My experience is that schools tend to manage behaviour retrospectively with behaviour marks, isolation and suspensions. They’re often less proactive in putting strategies in place to prevent the behaviour. It’s ok to ask for a plan, and ask what will happen if it doesn’t work to better adjust it for your child.
Most children want to do well in school, and do so when the environment is supportive of them. Your job in the meeting is to find out what is getting in the way. Then get school to agree to reasonable adjustments that clear those barriers. Your child has a right to an education, and they deserve one.
Obviously, if your child has a demand avoidance profile, things can be more difficult. The PDA Society offers excellent explanations as to why “just do it” and consequences-based approaches often make things worse.
What to do this week
- Start a note on your phone called School. Date, time, three lines to write your notes about what happened, what were the triggers and what school did or didn’t do.
- Find your school’s behaviour policy and read the sections on removal from class and suspension.
- Put your questions to school in writing, and keep every reply in one folder. A paper trail is more valuable than you think.
- Talk to one person who understands. You do not have to carry this alone. Not the family member who thinks that your child is just naughty and you’re a bad parent. We both know that this couldn’t be further from the truth, and you don’t need them in your ear right now.
If you want help preparing for a meeting, get in touch, or start with my free guide.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between isolation and suspension?
Isolation, or internal exclusion, means your child works away from their class but stays in school. A suspension means your child can’t attend school for a fixed period. The rules on things like written notice and setting work differ for each, and can vary from school to school.
Can school put my child in isolation without telling me?
Schools should tell parents promptly when they remove a child from class. The government’s guidance says schools should treat this as a serious sanction and only use it when necessary. However, this isn’t always the case. Ask your school how it informs parents, and ask for the same-day contact in writing.
Can my child be excluded because of their SEND?
No. The guidance says it is unlawful to exclude a child simply because they have SEN or a disability, and schools must make reasonable adjustments for disabled pupils. Behaviour that is linked to unmet needs is a reason to ask what support is in place.
What should I write down after school rings?
The date and time, who called, what they said, what your child says happened, and what home looked like that evening. Three lines is enough. But make sure you write clear sentences not abbreviated notes. You want to read these in a week or a month and still understand what everyone said. This is the voice of experience speaking!
